poisonlullaby

Being screwed over.

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Like my first taste of teenage fuckery and it’s not pleasant. bloody whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and whyyyyyyyyyyy do I even give a damn. It’s more retarded than Dalton - scott just told me what Dalton has been telling people and that sonuvabitch is a right old wanker. But I don’t care coz he;s a wanker, whereas M confuses me :(:( and I don;t know what I’vedone wrong, I guess I just need to accept that FEELINGS HAVE DISAPPEARED AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT (I keep forgetting that he doesnt give a shit, because it doesn’t make sense, you know one minute all is sweet and then it’s like nothing happened at all, and how do I live without closure? They say (I say) go find a replacement, someone to remind you that you’re not made to be hung up over some guy, like N told me  to forget him, and I should, just do exactly that. But it’s like breaking up with my first boyfriend again and stalking his facebook page every 2 minutes wondering what on earth he’s up to , it’s depressing and I laugh at the fact that I’m stooping so low. You didn’t have to stoop so low, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. My poor fucking grades. I hate these assessments. I’m toying with the idea of doing arts or running away from uni in general and going off to live in Scandinavia, or be a hippie like Jenny Gump and sad sad sad - why would anyone want to be sad? I’m never doing that depressing shit again. Listening to Lana Del Ray and crying silently in the quadrangle - not just because my first teen love screwed me over (and I’m still hoping that he cares at least a little) but because life in general is so weird and I’m losing my faith in humanity again. Law? Really? Economics? I want to be strong like Carmen… The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen. She laughs like god after all. I want to starve but my will’s not even strong enough for that. Doesn’t matter. N is going to be my distraction again in 2 days. N said we’d be friends for a long time yet. It’s true. He sees me even though he’s dating some Argentinian chick at the moment. I’m going to starve for him. 

Darling, darling, doesn’t have a problem
Lying to herself ‘cause her liqueur’s top shelf
It’s alarming honestly how charming she can be
Fooling everyone, telling them she’s having fun

She says you don’t want to be like me
Don’t wanna see all the things I’ve seen
I’m dying, I’m dying
She says you don’t want to get this way
Famous and dumb at an early age
Lying, I’m lying

The boys, the girls, they all like carmen
She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes
She laughs like god, her mind’s like a diamond
Buy her tonight, she’s still shining
Like lightning, ohh, like lightning

Carmen, carmen, staying up til morning
Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean
It’s alarming truly how disarming you can be
Eating soft ice cream
Coney Island Queen

She says you don’t want to be like me
Looking for fun, getting high for free
I’m dying, I’m dying
She says you don’t want to get this way
Street walk at night, and a star by day
It’s tiring, tiring

The boys, the girls, they all like carmen
She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes
She laughs like god, her mind’s like a diamond
Buy her tonight, she’s still shining
Like lightning, ohh, like lightning

My first boy love.

Think I’ve found a new obsession.